can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
