I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
