he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
