just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
