all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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