you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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