clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
How external is "for external use only"?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
