It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
