Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
