I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
