Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I cut my penus on the lid.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
