I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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