Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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