If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
