Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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