Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
