I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
