I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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