I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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