Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
