Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Randomize
