I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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