Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
