I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
