Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
