I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
