You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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