she woke up with a sticky ear
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
