Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
