My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
