i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
