I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
