I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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