I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
