I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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