I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
