i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
