watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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