I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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