Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
