I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
