I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
