She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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