piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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