Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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