I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
