Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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