the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
