Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
