adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
