I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
