I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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